Anything you can do, I've already done... BETTER

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself.....

2005-07-19T21:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm doing what I do best... I'm being confused and indecisive.

Things with Matt came to an end about a month and a half ago, which we all knew was inevitable. Things were great, however, we both realized that the long distance between us was simply too great.

I've been having fun being single since then... meeting cute guys, flirting shamelessly, and hanging out with two of my best friends. Mikey and Stewie mean the world to me, and I could never give them up, but I've come to realize it's hard to find a guy who is secure with his girlfriend having two male best friends. However, this is not a problem that I have to deal with... apparently it is also hard to find a guy AT ALL when your two best friends are male. Like I said, I love them more than anything, and I could never give them up, but it's extremely hard to find a guy when they all think that you have a boyfriend already. At least once a day I find myself being asked, "Are you and Mikey dating again?" There's another fact that makes it hard to keep a boyfriend... try explaining to them that both of those guys are your ex-boyfriends! Not that it should matter... there is no residual attraction or feelings left over from relationships that ended two and four years ago.

But I've become distracted... my topic of the day was relationships. Mikey and Stewie have both had very meaningful relationships go down the crapper recently. I spent a lot of time listening to their pain and heartbreak, and it reminded me of my own experiences. I began to think about all the shit that relationships can cause, the arguements, the cheating, the lying, the jealousy, the anger, the tears, the loss of appitite, the sleepless nights, the wreckless, distructive behavior.... and all of this made me terrified of dating. I spent some time hiding from my emotions, hiding from dating and opening myself up to anyone that I found myself attracted to. I have never been bitter or jaded, but I realized that I had serious cases of both these illnesses.

I have given some more thought to my terror, and realized that hiding from my fears has never been my style, and that it wasn't really a habit that I wanted to get into. I have always faced my fears head on, and this is just another one of those things that I have to deal with. Instead of diving headfirst into a relationship, I need to tread more carefully. Instead not trusting someone until they have proven that I can, perhaps I should trust someone until I have a reason not to. Perhaps instead of dating someone simply because of the initial physical attraction, I should wait and get to know them a little bit first. See where I'm going with this?

They always come back....

2005-05-02T20:22:00.000-07:00

At last, we meet again. I am happy (?) to report that I am not typing from the computer that used to be host to my blog entries. Instead, I am typing from a PC in Abbotsford, BC. I decided to come up here as my birthday present to myself so I could catch up with some old friends, and to make some new ones.

My friend Skittle gave birth to a bouncing baby girl back in December, and I had yet to meet her little bundle of joy. So, on April 27th, Schnitzel and I hopped on a bus and came up for a mini vacation. And Trystan (the little bundle), wasn't the only great thing that Abbotsford had in store for me...

Skittle's friend Theresa was another surprise for me. She's one of the coolest new people that I have met in a long time (next to Jesse, but that's a whole other blog that I just don't have time for right now), and she had a little surprise in store for me as well. And, it was sort of a surprise for her, too! When we went out to the bar on friday night (the "Shark Club"..... tee hee.....), one of Theresa's old friends (and ex-boyfriends, as well) was there. Just to make Skittle giggle, I shall refer to him here as "Rob".

Matt ("Rob's" real name) made me feel like a teenager is highschool again. We spent hours making out in his truck, holding hands walking through the mall, giggling over childish jokes and sexual innuendoes, cooing over each other the same way people do when they come down with bad cases of "puppy-love".

The only sad part of this weekend is the conclusion. Saying goodbye is always hard to do, and I cannot wait until I get to see Tanya and Theresa and Trystan again, but there is one other goodbye that was even harder to do. The shorter the amount of time is that you know someone, the easier it should be to say goodbye, but that doesn't always seem to be the case. When you meet someone new, the standard seems to be that you spend some time with them, and once you come to realize that you care for them, you increase the amount of time you spend together. In this case, I meet someone new, I've spent enough time with him to realize that I care for him, and... that's where it ends. Sure, we have made plans to keep in touch, and plans for him to come visit me at the end of May, but that's still not how this sort of thing is supposed to work!!!!!!! GRRRR..... AAARRRGH!!!!

A Slave No More

2005-03-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

So, long time no blog, eh? Well, it's sort of difficult to keep in touch when the computer you've been using has been torn from within your reach...

I think what I'm trying to say is that Scoroby and I are no more. We were forced to seperate due to unforseen circustances (ie: "I just don't think I'm the right guy for you"). For lack of a better term... it sucks, but at the same time, the more I think about it, the more I realize maybe he was right. I am beginning to think that, perhaps, he isn't the right guy for me.

Well, I don't have a lot of time to elaborate right now, but perhaps in the near future we shall meet again (you and I, not Scoroby and I), and I will have found the time, and the patience to rehash that terrible day for the 50 thousandth time.

Until we meet again......

I couldn't have said it better myself!

2005-02-07T23:49:00.000-08:00

The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well... that's just fabulous.

-Carrie Bradshaw

Trust issues....

2005-02-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

For once, it's not my trust issues that are causing problems.... okay, well, I guess they are playing a small role here...

See, I was just doing my girlfriendly duty of snooping through the drawers while Scoroby was away at work... you know, looking for old love letters from ex-girlfriends, pictures of the "happier times", all that crap, when I stumbled upon a letter. I'm assuming the girl who wrote it was not a girlfriend, but a girl who had the potential of becoming more than a friend. Anyway, so, as I am reading this letter, she is explaining why she has trust issues with men. Now I won't got into details, but let me just say that this poor girl either has a quite a knack for story telling and a VERY creative imagination, or she has gone through some seriously harsh shit. So, she goes on to say that after all the crap that she went through, she became very depressed, and she tried killing herself. Luckily, she never succeeded, and she has since then dealt with these things to no longer feel suicidal, however she still has not healed enough to talk about it yet, and that was shy she freaked out when Scoroby confided in her that he tried to kill himself.

Now, wait a FUCKING MINUTE!!!!!!! What the HELL do you mean, 'he tried to kill himself"?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Yes, Scoroby has had problems in the past confiding things in me. But, I say in the past hoping that he feels more comfortable telling me stuff now. Apparently not!!! Why has he not told me about this? It's not like I'm going to thinkhe's some sort of psycho, after all, whick one of us is on anti-depressants? Which one of us has manic depression? ME!!!!! The girl that he should trust. Does he really not trust me? What more do I have to do? He KNOWS that I love him and I HOPE he knows that I would never, ever do anything to hurt him. Why can't he confide in me?

PS. Yes, I know, I deserve to be shot for snooping, and this is what I get for being so nosey, but come one..... I think every girl has done it, at least once.

Some words of wisdom

2005-01-30T16:15:00.000-08:00

Some things have to be believed to be seen
-Ralph Hodgson

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
-John Lehman

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite
like unrequited love.
-Charlie Brown

Once Upon A Time....

2005-01-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

There once was a girl named Perfection, and to one girl's fear and one boy's recollection, she was the fairest girl in all the world. No one could ever compare to this girl no matter how hard they tried, and believe me, many tried. She had shiny brown hair, beautiful brown eyes, and a smile that forever brought warmth to your soul whenever you thought of it. Now, perhaps I am mistaken here, but I do believe that this part of the fairy tale is where things get funky. See, as Perfection would have it, once you dug deep enough, you found a hidden flaw. And this Perfection's flaw appears (if I indeed have the right flaw in mind here) to be an unforgiveable one. See, Perfection had an indescretion that ripped that poor boy in two. At first, his woun seemed as though it would never heal, and he nursed that wound for nearly six years. But then once day, a near-miracle occured. He met another girl, and though this girl was not Perfection, she was a good Distraction from the pain and anger caused by Perfection.

So, where exactly does the tale get funky? Well, dispite the pain and the anger and the denial from the boy that Perfection was frequently on his mind, Distraction sometimes got the distinct impression that Perfection was still, in the boy's eyes, perfect. And not only was Perfection continually a thought in his head, but Distraction would find herself worrying that the boy secretly compared the two of them, and that she never measured up. But of course Distraction didn't measure up! Distraction wasn't perfect, Perfection was perfect. Distraction was something other then perfect... something better then perfect... Distraction was NOT perfect, Distraction was NOT a disraction, DISTRACTION was A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON. Distraction was uncomparable to Perfection, because even if the two had similar qualities, Distraction wasn't truly meant to distract the boy from his pain and anger. Distraction was, in fact, FLAWED!!!!!! And if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that you like people for their qualities, but you love them for their FLAWES!!! Soon, the boy realized this, and he and Flawed lived happily ever after.

THE END

Wasn't that a lovely fairy tale, boys and girls? Wait, what's that you say? It's not a fairy tale? Why, you're right!!! Perfection, Distraction (aka Flawed) and the boy really do exist, they just live under assumed names up in Canada. It's entirely a true story, all documented fact. Well, except for the part where the boy has his little epiphany about Flawed and Perfection. That part MUST be a fairy tale......

"A-hem.... perhaps I mis-spoke..."

2005-01-25T14:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, let me think about this for a moment.... yes, yes I think that I was somewhat misleading (is that the word I want to use there? I can't think of another one...) with my last posting. When I wrote all that heart-felt crap about my roommate Mandee, it was not meant to make any of my other female companions feel any less important in my life. All I meant with that posting is that all of us have been guilty, at one time or another, of judging a book by it's cover. I, especially, am guilty of this crime due to my instinctual mistrust in women.

Back in the day (tee hee), when I was painfully shy around strangers, yet not afraid of female friendship, I made some of the most cherished friends that I have ever been blessed to meet. My Spot and my Jellybean are to of the most genuine people who I have ever, EVER come across. They accept me for me, know my faults and they love me for them (if they secretly hate my faults, I pray that they never tell me. I am blissfully ignorant, and I would appreciate staying that way).

Sure, there have been times when I was not as close with these girls as I should have been, and for that I am truly sorry. But, you know how the saying goes, "If you love something, blah blah free. Blah blah blah blah, it blah, blah blah blah blah yours...... blah blah never returns, then it blah blah blah be! I like to think of our drifting periods as the times when we set each other free, and as you can probably tell, so far we've always returned to each other.

While I know that I have problems now trusting other backstabbing whores.... I mean women (little freudian slip there, oops), I also know that I can always put my faith in my girls... even after I unintentionally belittle them?

"FRENEMIES"

2005-01-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

About a year and a half ago, I was re-introduced to my current roommate, Cookie. Cookie and I went to highschool together... and we hated each other. She was the skinny, ratty little loud-mouthed kid who compensated for her size with her attitude, and I could NOT tolerate her.

A few years later, I got a job at a local clothing store, where the most adorable guy I had ever seen, "Mikey", would come in every few months or so to buy clothes and flirt with me. We ended up dating for a while, and when things didn't work out, we ended up becoming the closest of friends, which was when I learned that not only had Mikey dated Cookie, but when he wanted to get a rise out of her he would talk about the "cute girl at Bootlegger".

Not too long after Mikey and I broke up, he began dating "Twiggy". We began to drift apart, as I was, and still am not, a fan of Twiggy. Shortly I moved to Calgary for a year and a half, but when I returned Mikey and I rekindled our friendship, dispite Twiggy, and that was when Cookie and I were re-introduced. At first we were quite wary of one another, neither of us being big fans of other women (we both not only seem to get along better with men, but simply prefer having a guy to talk to over a girl, each other excluded), but once we were forced to spend almost every day together because we were both so close with Mikey (he and I best of friends, Cookie trying to rekindle a lost romance), we began to see that not only was the other pretty cool, but that we actually found comfort in the company of the girl that we once hated.

A few months later, Cookie was forced to move out of the apartment she shared with our other best friend, King Don, when his father's health began to deteriorate and needed Schnitzel to watch over him. When Cookie received the news that she had to find a new residence, it was obvious to the both of us that I would be looking for a place to live with her.

We moved in together in October of 2004, and since then we have become inseperable. She has become more than my best friend, she's become my soulmate.

Will power... or, rather, the lack thereof...

2005-01-20T21:01:00.000-08:00

I quit smoking recently... have I ever told you that? Hmm, probably not seeing as I haven't been blogging very long. Anyway, so I quit smoking a few months ago (Sept 14/04 was my last cigarette), and I've been doing awesome. While there was the odd temptation to start back up again, I never had any actual cravings (yes, there is a difference). I thank two things for my success: 1) Scoroby quit at the same time I did. If he had caved, them I probably would have too, since it was his idea for us to quit. But seeing as he has yet to "cave", I managed to stay strong during the "make or break" time period. Now that I have come this far, I think that even if he were to cave, I would remain a non-smoker. 2) I can be unbelievably stubborn. No matter what lengths I have to go to, if someone thinks that I can not do something, or even hints they think I may hove problems accomplishing a goal, I do everything in my power to not only succeed, but to also make it look as effortless as possible.

What am I getting at? Well, where does all this ambition come from? I once had a friend (we're fighting, we're not friends right now. Perhaps never again) who had a heroin-addicted uncle. His uncle told him that quitting heroin was easier than quitting smoking. So, if I can find it in myself to quit one of the hardest "drugs" there is to quit, then where is all this ambition and will power when it comes to school?

I desperately want to go back to school. And I know that it's about damn time that I did (I've been "taking a break" for almost five years now). But as soon as the thought of nights of endless studying, tests, grades, teachers, and classrooms almost completely full of total strangers crosses my mind, I begin to shake. Soon, I break into a cold sweat, my vision blurs, my hearing tunnels, I feel as though I can't breathe, and before I know it, I'm in the middle of a full blown panic attack. I have manic/clinical depression and social anxiety disorder. I'm not a total freak, you'd never know it just to see me as I am one of the friendliest, most outgoing, and "happy-go-lucky-est" people you could ever come across. But there are certain times of the year when I become sad, and when I get sad, it doesn't go away. If I'm not careful, soon I start to think sad thoughts, which can turn to bad thoughts, and before you know it, I've lost the will to live. I've learned to monitor myself, and I know when certain times of the year come around, I have to be especially careful when my mood changes. But I have not been that far depressed since I was 16 (I'll be 21 this April).

I've gone off topic. My point was that if I can force myself to quit the "unquitable" and make it look like a piece of cake, then why the hell can't I exercise that same self-discipline when it comes to certain other things, namely, my education? Why does my ambition come to a grinding hault the minute someone says school? What is wrong with me?

"When is someone going to hurry up and fall in love with me?"

2005-01-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

It's suprising how hard it is to fall in love. Okay, not so much the falling in love part, because that can not only be pretty easy to do, but sometimes you don't even realize that you're doing it until it's too late. And it's also fairly common that once you're in love, you also realize that it's not exactly the most opportune moment of your life to be taking under such a time consuming task.

I've been lucky enough to fall in love at an opportune time in my life. Although I have goals (career-wise) for my future, the specifics of those ambitions haven't quite been determined yet. And while I'm taking my time with those decisions, I have already come to terms with a few things that I know for certain that I want to have in the NEAR future... like children. I know, I know, I'm not even 21 yet, and I have plenty of time before I need to seriously consider settling down and think about raising a family, but for the last year and a half, the thought of becoming a loving wife has permanently taken up residence in my head. However, that thought wasn't half as serious as it is now that the following two things have happened in my life:

First of all, out of the blue, my maternal instincts seem to have come flying out of nowhere like "a bat out of hell". And secondly, I met Scoroby. From some of our first encounters with each other, I knew that he was different than a lot of the other guys that I'd dated in the last three, or so, years. He is handsome, although at times he can be vain. Intelligent, although he tends to speak before he thinks, therefore coming across as a complete ass. He can be charmingly goofy, even though sometimes it appears that playfulness is only okay when coming from him. From any other, it is childish and inappropriate. All things concidered, he is the most amazing guy that I have ever met. He is kind, and he can be suprisingly sweet, dispite a slight case of emotional constipation.

So, wherein lays the problem, you ask? I love him, that's the problem. I told him that I love him, and I also told him that I simply wanted him to know how I felt, and that I was not expecting to hear it in return, nor would I be hurt if I didn't. However, this is where things get tough. Now that I have overcome the hurdle of saying those devilish little words for the first time, it is much easier for them to slip out. I have refrained from letting them free since that day simply so that he would not feel uncomfortable every time I said them, being as he is still not ready to vocalize reciprocation, however holding back is not easy. And even harder is sitting around and wondering, "When is someone going to hurry up and fall in love with me?"

I am patient, and seeing that I love Scoroby very much is probably the only thing I can do to hurry him along.

So look at me when I face you
Because there's something I must do.
Although I'm nervous, I've found the courage
To whisper, "I Love You".

a few things that I want to get off my chest

2005-01-18T23:55:00.000-08:00

First of all, I would just like to say that the only reason "L" broke up with our Schnitzel is because she is in love with her roommate, Bitch-tits. Plain and simple. C U Next Tuesday, "L"! Second of all, Tanner should just quit... or go to hell.... or die... or slip on a banana peel and fall cock-first into a meat grinder, assuming it isn't too shrivelled and warped from all the friction damage (ever heard of lube, whacker-boy?). PS, Tanner, stay the fuck away from the bar, my Cookie, or anyplace that I might ever happen to visit. 3) Dry skin... itchy skin... peeling dry cracked skin, fucking winter weather. 4) Can I just hurry up and get married? I want kids, and I want to be a housewife... shouldn't men (ie: Scoroby) be jumping at this opportunity for a personal slave? 5) I LOVE SCOROBY DOO!!

Welcome to my humble a-blog

2005-01-18T22:06:00.000-08:00

Hello and welcome to my blog.... be it ever so humble, there's no place like blog :) My friend Jellybean (no, not her real name, but in blogworld, that's what I shall call her) introduced me to the blog concept over good old fashioned Timmy's coffee this evening, and I fell in love with the idea. A diary, a place where I can write the where, the why.... bitch about the who and the what, and not have to worry about someone finding all my personal notes and telling the whole world, because I already told them!!!!! Now, that's genius.